Posted by: Scott | April 1, 2010

Chelada Review

Godzilla and his party crew enjoyin' a Chelada.

I know you’re excited about this one. Clamato + Bud Light = best — idea — EVER.

This puppy’s called the Chelada. What’s with the name, you ask? Marketing genius, that’s what. Hipsters, club-goers, and other youths who fit neatly into demographics (and who are 21 or older) will love this mixture of tomato juice, clam broth, and light beer because it has a Mexican-sounding name, and, let’s face it, trendy youngsters will love just about anything if it can be used ironically, has an ad campaign that makes them feel like rebels, and/or simply doesn’t make sense.

But here’s another Chelada-bomb: The name actually has cultural roots in Mexico. Chelada comes from Michelada, a traditional Mexican cocktail. And when Americans start premixing and mass-producing traditional Mexican cocktails, you know this party we call socioeconomics is about to get crizazy.

Stats:
Brewery: Anheuser-Busch, Inc.
Beyond that, I got nothin’. Oh, it’s 4.2% ABV. Wooooooooo!

REVIEW:

Sweet Chelada blazes out of the can like a blood-soaked heart forged in the pits of hell, a quartz-encrusted dragon extending pink foam wings. That glorious salmon-colored foam soon crashes earthward, which gives me a better view of what lies beneath — that murky bed of candied roses. Brilliant.

Aromas of sweet tomatoes, freshly plucked from a processing plant assembly line, waft up from my glass, gently overtaking the invigorating scents of salt and fish. I can’t wait to take a sip — so I take one! Carbonated Clamato fills my mouth; I savor every additive. Salt and lime complement the drink’s sumptuous textures, which roll over the tongue like sweet and sour tomato paste. Its flavors border on foodish, as if I’m eating an en-Chelada! Transcendent.

What a viscous blend of malted barley, stomped veggie-fruit, and liquefied invertebrates! I can’t imagine a more thirst-quenching trio. If you see this in a store (or a gutter!), don’t hesitate: slurp it up! Do it now. Today. This isn’t a joke that I’ll retract tomorrow. Who told you that? I’d never make light of this delectable drink. Five caps out of five.

Edit: April 2 Retraction

OK, this review was an April Fools’ joke. Below I’ve pasted my actual tasting notes.

  • Appearance: A dull, murky, reddish orange, like spit and blood. The white head fizzes up but crashes quickly.
  • Smell: Vomit. And tomatoes. Dear lord, the tomatoes. Mixed with some kind of cloying sweetness. Please don’t make me drink this.
  • Taste: The first sip is like sweet and sour tomato paste. I’m gonna hurl. I need a glass of water. Three more drinks at least. Must power through three more drinks for … my … readers. Ungggggh. Second Sip: Holy crap, that’s terrible. I can almost taste the clams – that is, if they were being bulldozed by tomato juice injected with a million CCs of sugar. My stomach hurts. Third Sip: Is that salt? And lime? I have to stop. My mouth is threatening suicide and my stomach has a mutinous look. Fourth Sip: Kill me.
  • Mouthfeel: Viscous. Not at all refreshing.
  • Overall: I hate this more than anything I’ve ever drunk. Even the Cave Creek Chili Beer. The aftertaste still haunts me. Must find mouthwash.

And now, the real score:

Food Pairing:

A New York strip steak smothered in straight-from-the-can tomato sauce, paired with a cold Chelada, will punch you in the mouth with excellence. Don’t miss out. (Also part of the joke. Miss out. Please miss out.)

Monday: An account of my adventures with the Beer of the Month Club.

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Responses

  1. holy damn! this review is awesome. i cannot wait to continue to ignore this product!

    • A sound plan!

  2. O … M … G!
    you sir have used up your quota of wacky for at least a month.
    After this review I think maybe your Dr. is going to operate on the wrong end!

    • You’re probably right. For those of you thinking “ummm, what?”, he’s talking about my foot! I have foot surgery scheduled for next week.

  3. That was brutal. But, you confirmed my suspicions.

    • Heh, glad to know I wasn’t the only one who saw this on the shelf and thought it sounded like a horrible idea.

  4. When I first read this, I thought you might have lost it! Then I realized it was April 1st, and this had to be a joke. I do still think that you might have lost “it,” though.

    • Haha, I think you may be right. I did drink the thing, after all.

  5. I’ve been drinking chelada for damn near 2 years now, every sunday afternoon with my shrimp cocktail and I find it extremely refreshing. sometimes I splash a little tabasco in it for a bit more heat. sometimes I mix with a little orange juice for a bit of a chelada sunrise, or if you will, a chelada mimosa.

    The point is, you need to open your mind. A-B has really streched the realm of possible with Chelada, and, at least for me, it has real staying power. Never mind the dust on the cans at the 7-11 – this stuff is flying off the shelves in my community.

    i’ll give your blog one more try, but, with this ol’ boy, you’re on thin ice.

    • I’m getting punk’d, right? There’s no way a “chelada sunrise” is a real thing.

      On the off chance you’re not joking: Sorry I angered you, uh … Angry. All of my reviews are purely subjective; it’s just my opinion! I appreciate other points of view, even dissenting ones. I’m glad you’ve decided to give me another shot 😀

    • Angry,

      You’re an idiot. Tomato juice is the worst liquid in the history of the universe. To combine it with beer doesn’t make it any better – it just brings the beer down.
      Happy Easter! 🙂

      • Especially when you combine it with a beer like Bud Light … the Clamato completely overpowers it.

  6. You mean you didn’t LOVE this red-headed step child of the alcoholic beverage world? Hilarious review of a horrid beer.

    My question to you Scott: Can you come up any any possible reason for a beer such as this to exist?

    • Hmm … perhaps as a tool of torture? I hope no interrogation specialists are reading this and getting ideas about chelada-boarding …

  7. Yeah, I tasted it. Yuck!!!!!


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